The Road Markings

i hope it lasts for a lifetime.

and how do i tell you
your words heal my wounds so quickly
but they tug at times too.

duty tomorrow again. really tired.

"my mind says yes but my heart says no."

In many occasions, we allow our emotions to get ahead of us. As a result, we end up making decisions based mainly on what our heart wants, and somehow this is irrational. Humans are strange beings. Many times, we often commit mistakes even though we know it is wrong. It's as good as walking straight into a wall (not like I haven't done that physically though). I don't like how my mind tells me to give up trying, but something is pulling at my heart strings. Now, don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with any kind of selfish relationship (otherwise people know it as a long-term relationship) but it more or less has to do with people around me all the time. I really dislike making decisions when my emotions come into play. This hasn't been a good year yet, seriously. My energy and enthusiasm has to run out eventually. I try my best to stay optimistic but sometimes things just keep on haunting you. It is very much like a broken tape recorder that keeps repeating that certain verse that you dislike, except for the fact that you can't get it to stop at will. I'm tired.

I remember when i was younger, i always thought how much better it would be if i had no relationships to anyone in this world. Be it my parents, my friends or anyone around me. To put it simply, how nice it would be if i didn't matter to anyone at all. I'm not saying that i mean anything much to anyone right now, but at least my parents would give a damn if I'm going to kill myself now. No, I'm not suicidal. I'm just saying. Imagine life with no added and obligated responsibilities. Imagine how life would change if your actions would only affect yourself and you only. Things would be very much different. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not the kind of person who shrinks responsibility, but I'm talking about two non-material responsibilities now. One, the free responsibility that I call, which comes with every single decision you make, and the second, the obligated responsibility. My parents call me reckless. Basically I do a lot of things without thinking because for one, I dislike making things complicated. I'd prefer making fast decisions than good decisions. Honestly speaking, I really dislike it when a group of people starts to decide what to have for lunch/dinner. Here's the typical scene that will take place.
Man A: "So what do you want to eat?"
Man B: "Anything".
Man C: "Anything".
And if you've been in such situations like I have (which I am pretty damn sure you have), you'd realize what a stupid waste of time it is. Number one, it's not your last meal (yes I do know people say live every day like it's your last day, but still) so don't take a year to decide. Number two, 'anything' is a word to throw your responsibility to someone else. It is to let someone else make the decision so you're not to be blamed for any consequences. Okay wait I realize I'm really digressing. This post isn't even about responsibility. It's about how I am secretly sick of some aspects of life.

"The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost."
-G. K. Chesterton

I've seen a rainbow but I've never seen it's end.
I've seen the ocean but I don't know where it ends.
Life's a masquerade. As cliché as it is, it's really true. I do not like how I am forced to be part of this parade. I do not like to live up to people's expectations. I'm tired from playing your game with your rules. I like life to be simple, but why is everyone else making it complicated. All i want from life is just to be happy and make people around me happy, but sometimes I wonder how much opportunity costs exist at the expense of happiness. Different people seek very different emotional and physical fulfillment in life.

Now i look at this post and I don't even know why did I type all that trash. I'm not even that emotional to begin with but yet it now looks like I've just gone through a really rough patch. Truth is, I'm just not the kind who likes to express greater concerns. And many times, it leads people to think I don't really care but I actually do. I know how sometimes i act like I don't really care but honestly, sometimes it's not me you're seeing outside.
Maybe, just maybe, it hasn't been me for a while.

dreams on a cradle.
the bouquet of secret roses.
gentle sea breeze.

and some people fall in love like daffodils in wind.
they drift from one place to another.
yet, they think to themselves,
'the greatest lover i am,
for the rest are fools not to trust in me'.
their self love and self assuming indulgence,
accompanied by my repulsion,
leads vexation to hostility,
displeasure to condemnation.
were they not light-headed in the summer's wind?
or basking in the gale of aloofness.

swagger down in vainglory,
like a victorious warrior story.
like calling to the arms,
fades your crummy beaten charm.
what's there left to say and save?
the emancipation of a hearts of grave,
or that of the shackles slave.

the whole world did you wrong. or so you thought.
i know why.
maybe you thought you were the whole world to us.

my abhorrence in their minds.

Finally, I'm returning to camp tomorrow morning for duty. Strangely, a lot of people thought i was warded into Tan Tock Seng. I didn't stay overnight there lah. Recently i chanced upon a fellow classical guitarist's blog and the love for the classical guitar suddenly came to me again. (: I'm glad it's back really. It's been so long since i played a proper classical piece and i miss that feeling. Hope this week will pass quickly (:

First and foremost, sorry for the lack of updates. A lot of things have been happening recently. Supposed to have duty in camp today but I'm on sick leave. Apparently I'm having some acute gastric inflammation as well as bacteria infection in my body. Hopefully i get well soon. The feeling is pretty horrible. The pain is just as bad. It hurts without me having to do anything (though eating would make it worse).

2007 was pretty much a good year in my opinion. I remember working at West Coast doing accounts, photocopying, banking stuff, calculating worker's time cards, etc. Not to forget having a whole lot of fun. Perhaps, just perhaps, it's one of the best time in life. I remember my first company lunch at Made In China. I remember how my colleagues (who were like twenty years older on average) and i would spend our Thursday nights out drinking. I also remember how they wouldn't let me pay for anything but since i insisted, they would only allow me to pay for the least. I remember too, how i would wait till 1130 or 1230 before going for lunch with my colleagues at so many different places. I remember my last day at work, my GM brought me to this country club for lunch. I remember my closest colleague was with me there. I remember this mother at work who always asked me for advice regarding her daughter.
I remember now that i miss them all.

During that period of time, i took up Lifesaving under the Royal Life Saving Society (UK) as well as the Singapore Life Saving Society (SG). During which, i met my buddy for my swim exam, William. I thought he was like, my age or probably 1-2 years older but only to realize he's like.. 25 or something. I remember Michael too, who was kinda close to the both of us. I remember swimming at Bishan with him for the preparation of our exams. We spent the entire afternoon trying to figure the egg beater kick out. I remember sending him videos via email. Glad we figured it out eventually (: Thursday evenings were the best time during that period of time. I'd wait for 853 and travel to Kallang Basin Swimming Complex. We were always the last few to leave the pool. I wish it didn't have to end.

Then over the period of working for four months, i saved enough to go on a trip with Ben for a pre-enlistment vacation at Bintan. Sourced for the cheapest rates. Edward was supposed to go with us but he had some passport problem so he couldn't in the end. It was fun. It felt like the typical teenage suicide. Lots of booze and lots of other, self destructive materials. I remember waking up at 3/4am one morning and walked to the beach myself and i witnessed the greatest sunrise ever. I remember the calm tides. I remember the hermit crabs and the weird fishes. I'm gonna plan another trip back to Bintan some time soon.

Soon, enlistment came and somewhat changed my life pretty drastically for a period of about 5 months? Now it's back to normal. After all, to put in simply, I'm only at most going to spend half of my remaining time before ord in camp. It's like 406days more. When it finally ends I'm leaving to further my studies and i might be back after three and a half years.

Recently, I've learned pretty much about life. Sometimes, we don't have to try to understand how people feel. Instead accept the fact that You can Never understand how that someone feels. I've people saying "i understand how you feel' but i know they don't. Maybe sometimes, it's good to accept that we have some weaknesses no matter how strong we are.

Man is a composition of strengths and weaknesses. Life is a mixture of human and nature.
Eventually, it's just a mixture of life and death.
So, I'd say, don't wait. Don't waste your life away.

"The sky glows
I see it shining when my eyes close
I hear your warnings but we both know
I'm gonna look at it again

Don't wait, don't wait
The road is now a sudden sea
And suddenly, you're deep enough
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down
To lay your armor down"
[Dashboard Confessional: Don't Wait]

woke up with dark clouds outside of my window.

"When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain"
-Alicia Keys - No One

The best wet weather programme is probably to stay home for now. Been pretty drained from the last few days of duty even though i would say they were mostly good. The rain has been ongoing for really long now. If i didn't remember it wrongly, the rain has been persistent for almost a month now? Well, i know it was a daily affair until recently but still i remember it to be dominant since a month ago. Been playing alot of games recently. Basically the Closed Beta of Shaiya Online (still waiting for the OB now), the CB and (currently) the OB of Grandchase SEA, as well as the OB of HighStreet 5 which is somewhat like AuditionSEA but cooler graphics. The songs are quite limited now though.

Image276 (Custom)

Just as i'm typing this, i finished another carton of vitasoy. Duty tomorrow. ):

Just got back a while ago. I'm supposed to be on some sort of ban til 1700hrs but here i am, at home (: and my semicolon isnt really work. maybe it's the effect from too many smileys. (: there now it's working again. did duty on monday and tuesday. will be doing duty on thursday and saturday as well so it's quite a long week for me. initially it was sunday but was activated to do saturday. hopefully i wont really get called back next week despite the fact that i have an ongoing ban. hope everything turns out right soon enough.

been raining alot recently. makes the morning alot more bearable.
been looking for a small cookie monster too but the one at toy r us is at 119$. but that's the battery operated one. it's some laughing cookie monster which i'm not interested in. haha but i want the smaller ones. zzz. i saw one though. it's at 14.95$. mad. it's super not worth it.

off to listen to some music and rest now. hope the rain goes.